


All Too Well

by sanvers223



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Canon Universe, F/F, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2019-10-01 08:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanvers223/pseuds/sanvers223
Summary: Based on Taylor Swift's All Too Well and told from Maggie's POV.Maggie takes a trip down memory lane, focussing on the significant events in her relationship with Alex, trying to figure out just where it all went wrong.Angsty AF but it ends well, promise!





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since my lovely GBF Katie came screaming at me through messenger with the lyrics to this song, I've had this fic dancing around my head. It's so... Maggie.
> 
> I'm posting this first part just to gauge if people like it (I need gratification, so sue me) and then I'll post the rest all in one. It's ended up so much longer than I ever intended. Oops.
> 
> For the record, the scarf Maggie is wearing is this [one](https://www.lulus.com/products/bench-warmer-red-plaid-infinity-scarf/175362.html)

Not for the first time in the many months since the break up, Maggie found herself looking out of the window of her apartment, quietly sipping coffee and wondering just where it all went wrong.  She had thought that what her and Alex had created was rare and worth holding onto. For a long time, she thought Alex had felt the same. Cupping her hands around the warm mug, Maggie made her way to the couch, pulling a blanket over her knees.  She shivered involuntarily as she let the memories wash over her. Maggie knew it wasn’t healthy, this constant reminiscing, but it was all she had to hold onto.

 

_I walked through the door with you_

_The air was cold_

_But something ‘bout it felt like home somehow, and I_

_Left my scarf there at your sister’s house_

_And you’ve still got it_

_In your drawer,  even now_

 

The scarf.  Oh how she missed that scarf.  Maggie couldn’t for the life of her work out where it had disappeared to. For so long it represented so many things, big milestones in their relationship.  She remembered the first night that scarf had made an appearance, and everything that it signified.

 

* * *  
  
It was the first time that Maggie would be attending Kara’s games night.  She had met James, Winn and J’onn at the bar the week before, but this was different.  More intimate somehow, and in her mind, infinitely more significant. Maggie was nervous. Yet, she knew that Alex was even more nervous, so she was trying to keep her nerves to herself.  Alex hadn’t said anything yet, but Maggie got the impression that she wasn’t yet comfortable with PDA in front of her sister and friends. She understood. It was a lot to take in, so she was leaving this one entirely up to Alex.  Whatever Alex was comfortable with, she would go along with. How she was going to cope without constantly touching Alex’s leg or gently kissing her knuckles for the next couple of hours (because she was _that_ girl now, they were _that_ couple), she wasn’t sure. But she would manage, and she would do it.  For Alex. She grabbed Alex’s hand while she still could, as they entered the elevator up to Kara’s loft.

“You okay?” she asked gently.

“Huh? Oh yeah, fine babe”

Maggie shivered at the term of endearment.  Where did _that_ come from? She wondered.

“Fine?”

“Yeah, fine!” Maggie made a mental note to have a discussion about the implications of the word ‘fine’ later on.

“They love you, and they want to see you happy, Alex.” Maggie stopped and gently stroked Alex’s cheek.  “You’re happy, right?” _With me,_ she added silently.

“I am so happy with you Mags, you have no idea”

Maggie let out the breath that she didn’t realise she had been holding as she felt a smile creep up her cheeks.

“Let’s go then,” she leant up onto her tiptoes as she kissed Alex on the cheek.

Alex sighed and nodded, letting Maggie drag her down the hallway.  

“Hang on one second, what’s with the scarf Mags?”

Maggie looked down at the red plaid scarf that she had wrapped around her neck at the last minute.

“Oh, this old thing? It’s um, cold outside, I feel a cold coming on, thought I should keep my throat warm” Maggie stuttered as she ran a hand through her hair. Truthfully, she had worn the scarf to cover the hickies on her neck, Alex had been overeager the night before. The same could be said for Maggie, although she had the sense to leave them somewhere away from Kara’s prying eyes. Alex, in her naivety, hadn’t put two and two together.  
“Babe, I have never seen you wear a scarf.  Ever, and it’s not that cold outside,” Alex teased as they walked down the hallway to Kara’s apartment. “Plus you just finished bragging to me last night about how you never get sick, so, spill.  What’s with the scarf?”

As much as Maggie didn’t want to unnerve Alex, particularly at this point in the evening, she couldn’t really keep this one to herself if she wanted to hide it from Kara and the others, saving Alex’s embarrassment.  
“Danvers. Have you seen my neck?” Maggie replied, letting out a sigh.  
“Um yes, as a matter of fact I have and I really don’t understand why you’re hiding it. I love your neck” Alex whispered as she nuzzled into Maggie’s scarf, inhaling her scent.  
“Have you seen it lately?” Maggie smirked. “Take a look and tell me that I don’t need the scarf on.”  
Alex stopped, pulled the scarf to the side and inspected Maggie’s neck. A heavy blush rose rapidly up her cheeks.  
“Ohhhhh. Was that um, was that me?”  
Maggie crossed her arms pointedly across her chest, taking a step back from her girlfriend.  
“Who else do you think it would be?” she asked.  
Alex gave Maggie a sheepish grin and held up her hands apologetically.  
“I’m sorry?.. it was fun at the time though...” She fixed the scarf up so it covered all of Maggie’s neck. “Yup, I really think a scarf is a good idea.”  
Maggie reached up, intertwined her fingers with Alex’s and brought their hands to her lips, kissing her knuckles gently. “I didn’t think you would be comfortable with your sister and friends knowing just how much fun we had last night.. and this morning. Baby steps, remember?”  
Alex sighed and pulled Maggie into a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered into her ear “the scarf looks great, by the way”  
“Yeah yeah,” Maggie giggled, wiggling out of the embrace, taking Alex’s hand and leading her towards Kara’s door.

The night couldn’t have been going better, Maggie reflected as she grabbed a drink from the kitchen, taking some time out to observe her girlfriend interacting with her friends.  She felt a flutter somewhere in her chest, but tried her best to ignore it. Nothing good could come from admitting _that_ at this point in time.  But she knew. Maggie knew then that she had fallen for Alex at lightning speed, reinforced when Alex shot her a grin from the other side of the room.  The kind of grin that she knew was only reserved for her. As much as she wanted to walk back across to Alex and sit on her lap, wrapping her arms around her neck, she knew that would push Alex a little too far.  Maggie settled for sauntering back to the couch as Alex watched, squeezing herself onto the couch next to her girlfriend, into a spot that they both knew was much too small for two. As she settled into the small space, she draped an arm over the back of the couch, purposefully brushing her fingers along the nape of Alex’s neck.  She had self control, but not that much. What’s a girl to do? She felt Alex shiver next to her, smirking as she took a sip of her drink. She knew if she made eye contact with her girlfriend it would all be over, so she leant forward, feigning an interest in the argument Winn and Kara were having about the best place to get potstickers in National City.  As she did so, she felt beads of sweat break out on her forehead. Shit. She knew that wearing a scarf on an 80 degree night would catch up with her eventually. Hoping that no one would notice, she wiped the sweat off with the back of her hand, rubbing her hands on the front of her jeans.

“Maggie, you’re sweating! Take your scarf off!” Maggie choked on her beer.  Kara. Of course. Always so observant.

“Sweating? Me? Ha. No”  Maggie took another swig of her beer in an effort to downplay the situation.  

“Um, yeah you are, I can see it from here! Why are you wearing a scarf anyway Maggie? It’s not that cold out.  Are you getting sick?” Kara persisted, narrowing her eyes as she inspected Maggie.

“I, um, yeah, sick, can feel a cold coming on!” Maggie was floundering. She shifted her gaze to Alex, silently praying for her to help.   _C’mon Alex._

“Do you really want to know why she’s wearing a scarf Kara?” Alex asked with a smirk.

Maggie gulped.  She had no idea where this was going.

“I mean, it’s not any of my business but she just looks uncomfortable.  I can put the cooling on if you want Ma-”

As Kara sputtered her way through the answer, Alex turned to face Maggie, her eyes asking her to be trusted.  Maggie nodded silently.

“So I can do this, whenever I want” and Alex, her darling baby gay Alex, who she had been trying to protect all night, for fear of too much too soon, grabbed the ends of her scarf and dragged her mouth upwards, Alex’s lips meeting hers for a fraction longer than was respectable for public eyes. It took Maggie’s breath away. This woman, this beautiful woman still holding her gaze, eyes sparkling with lust, was surely going to be the death of her.

“Way to keep me on my toes Danvers,” Maggie muttered as she took yet another swig of her beer to conceal her increasingly red cheeks.

“You’re welcome” Alex said proudly, taking her own beer and pointing it towards Kara.  “Scarves, can highly recommend, however, perhaps not on such a warm night babe.” And then, without warning, Alex gently unwrapped the scarf from around Maggie’s neck, folded it and placed it on the back of the couch.  She continued to drink her beer as if nothing had happened. Maggie froze. If tonight had taught her anything, it was to never underestimate Alex Danvers.  Upon reflection, Maggie mused, she shouldn’t have been surprised.  Not really. Alex was facing this relationship like she did everything in her life.  Jumping, feet first.

Bracing herself for the comments, for there to be some kind of reaction to the taking off of her scarf, Maggie took a deep breath and stole a glance at the others. Kara, James and Winn looked on, almost in awe of what they had just experienced.  Without a word, James and Winn continued their conversation, Kara pushed her glasses up her nose and stood up.

“I’ll, um, up the cooling for you Maggie. Pictionary next?” Kara fumbled as she made her way to the cooling panel. Maggie let out a sigh of relief.  No one had noticed. _How though? Were they blind?_ Maggie wondered.

Over the next few hours, Maggie noticed a shift in Alex.  She couldn’t be near Maggie without touching her in some way. A kiss on the cheek, a squeeze of the leg, an arm around the waist.  Maggie found herself getting used to the domesticity of it all. _I could get used to this_ she thought.  That scared her.

They said their goodbyes, Maggie feeling more at home than she had in years.  Alex closed the door behind them, wrapping an arm firmly around Maggie’s waist, pulling her in for a kiss.  

“Take me home,” she said, turning down the hallway, an arm draped around Maggie’s shoulder.

Later on, Maggie would find out that Kara had in fact figured out what the scarf was for, and had teased Alex incessantly when she returned it later that week.  Alex held onto that scarf, using it as the first item of clothing in the drawer she cleared for Maggie in her closet. The significance of that scarf was not lost on either of the women, and that’s why it still remains in that drawer, even now.

 


	2. Wind In My Hair, I Was There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie continues to reminisce about her time with Alex, contemplating where it all went so very wrong.
> 
> Include memories related to Verse 1, Pre Chorus and Chorus 1 of All Too Well.
> 
> It picks up where the introduction left off.

Verse 1

_ Oh your sweet disposition _

_ And my wide-eyed gaze _

_ We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate _

_ Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place _

_ And I can picture it after all these days. _

 

Picking herself up off the couch, Maggie went to her bookshelf, taking out _The Complete Book of Bonsais_ that Alex had given her 'just because,' figuring that she may as well read to try and stop this overwhelmingly painful trip down memory lane. As she opened the book, a dried sycamore leaf fell out and lazily made its way to the ground.  Maggie gasped and dropped the book as she remembered just where this leaf came from. She picked it up, twirling it absentmindedly between her fingers, and made her way back to the couch, book forgotten on the floor.

It was their first trip to Midvale. She remembered Alex shyly asking her if she wanted to go away for a weekend in the fall.  At first, Maggie had declined, for no other reason than the voice in the back of her head whispering that it was too soon and that it was only going to end badly, so why bother meeting more of the family? Alex was crushed. Given that she actually had no other excuse, she had worked enough overtime to have an entire weekend off, she relented.  It was then that she began to realise just how deep her feelings were for Alex Danvers. Never in her life had she taken a weekend off work to go away with a girlfriend. Not for the first time in this relationship, Maggie wondered just who she was turning into, and who would remain when it inevitably went bust.

 

They were on the freeway heading upstate, Alex had borrowed J’onn’s car, claiming that it was “better this way Mags, who wants to be on a bike for that long?” Maggie.  Maggie did. She couldn’t have thought of a better place to spend a couple of hours than wrapped around Alex. However, sitting here in the open top car, Alex’s fingers intertwined with hers, she had to agree wasn’t the worst way to travel.  _ I could get used to this _ , Maggie thought. 

“You’re staring”

“What?” Alex’s voice cut through her thoughts. “No, I wasn’t!” Maggie exclaimed indignantly, heat rising in her cheeks.

“Maggie, your eyes haven’t left my face for about 10 miles,” Alex smirked. “You going soft on me?”

Maggie bit back a smile at the intentional reversal of her words from what seemed like years ago.

“Well if you were looking at the road instead of me, you wouldn’t have noticed” she huffed. 

Alex winked at her and lifted their intertwined hands, pressing a gentle kiss onto Maggie’s knuckles.  

“Stare all you want, I would if you were driving,” she said shyly, shifting her gaze back to the road.

Maggie stifled her grin and leant over to turn the radio up with her free hand.  Barenaked Ladies blared from the speakers and Alex began singing along to One Week at the top of her lungs.

“ How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad, trying hard not to smile though I feel bad.” she crooned, letting go of Maggie’s hand to drum on the steering wheel. The fading sunlight reflected off Alex’s auburn hair, giving off an ethereal glow. The last leaves off the trees were falling, swirling around behind Alex she drove.

Now Maggie knew she was staring. How could she not? This amazing woman,  _ her _ girlfriend, was incredible.  She was everything she never knew she wanted, no,  _ needed _ in her life. It was this moment that she knew Alex had the potential to break her heart.  Maggie was in deep and falling harder and faster than she ever thought she could. Once again, Alex’s voice broke through her thoughts. 

“You’re staring again”

_ Shit _ . Maggie thought.   _ Shit shit shit.  Play it cool Sawyer.  _

“And? You’re beautiful, what you gonna do about it Danvers?”

However Maggie expected Alex to react, it wasn’t what she did next. She pulled over into the emergency stopping lane, bringing the car to a stop.  

“Alex, what-”

Maggie was cut off by Alex cupping her face in her hands and bringing her in for a kiss, her tongue gently swiping along Maggie’s bottom lip.  She shuddered as she saw fireworks.  _ Was it always going to be like this?  _

“That.  That’s what I’m going to do about it.” she smirked as she brushed Maggie’s jaw with her thumbs. “Also, you got a little something here, let me get it for you,” and she reached up, pulling a perfectly formed sycamore leaf out of her hair.

“Now don’t say I never gave you anything,” Alex joked as she gave the leaf to Maggie, giving her one more lingering kiss.

“That really wasn’t necessary, Danvers,” Maggie murmured, admiring the leaf as she twirled it between her fingers. For someone who never liked being intimate, her girlfriend sure did like to be close to her. A warmth settled over her as she realised that perhaps this wasn’t going to end badly after all.  Perhaps, Alex felt the same.

 

Maggie shook herself out of her reverie, a smile haunting her lips.  The first one in quite some time. She continued to twirl the same leaf between her long, nimble fingers, contemplating just what had gone so wrong.  She also wondered why today, of all days, she was taking this trip down memory lane. What did it mean? 

 

Pre Chorus

_ And I know it’s long gone and _

_ That magic’s not here no more _

_ And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all. _

 

She knew.  Maggie knew it was over.  What her and Alex had, it wasn’t there anymore. It ended the moment she made Alex say they couldn't be together, when she packed her bag and walked out the door. It had taken her a long time to accept that, and she would be lying if she said that her heart didn’t leap every time someone knocked on her door or her phone lit up with a notification. That her heart didn’t leap in the hope that Alex had changed her mind.  That she still wanted her. That she had realised that what they had was real, magical, and she wouldn’t find it anywhere else. Maggie sighed. But Alex was stubborn when it came to pursuing what she wanted, just like that first night she had kissed her in the bar. While frustrating as hell, it was one of the qualities that she loved about her ex-girlfriend most.  _ Fiancée _ , Maggie corrected herself, her fingers absentmindedly playing with the blank space now on the fourth finger on her left hand.  She was doing okay, she supposed. She had thrown herself into work in a way that she hadn’t since she left college. She was pulling extra hours and cracking more cold cases than she ever had.  Alex would be proud. No. No Alex. Maggie needed to shake this constant reminiscing. She had worked so hard to get herself back to some state of normalcy after Alex ripped her heart out of her chest and packed it into the suitcase.  She was okay. Maggie was okay. But she wasn’t fine. Maggie frowned wistfully at the implications of that word. Fine. The arguments her and Alex had about that word. 

 

When Alex would come back from a mission, clearly injured.

“I’m fine Mags,” she grumbled.

When she came home from work after jumping off a building.

“I’m fine, babe.”

The day she found out about Jeremiah.  

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”

When she was worried about hurting Kara’s feelings.

“I’m fine, it’s all forgotten about, I promise - now, what’s for dinner?”

 

Maggie shook her head at the memories.  Her Alex. Always brushing things off, keeping those feelings inside with her overuse of the word fine. Maggie knew all about the defensive use of the word fine.  That was her party trick from all those years ago when she was displaced and lonely in the world. She saw straight through Alex’s defense and called her out on it.

“I need you,” she said, rubbing Alex’s shoulders, “to stop using that word.”

“What word? Is my swearing bothering you? I’m so sorry Mags I-”

“No.  Fine. The word fine.  I need you to stop using it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alex brushed off Maggie’s hands, grabbing her beer and sitting down on the couch.

“You do, and we need to talk about it.” Maggie sat facing her, cross legged. Taking Alex’s beer out of her hands, she placed it on the table and made Alex look at her. 

“Babe.  You and I both know that you using the word fine is simply another way of you shutting down your feelings.”

“Maggie, I-” 

“Shhh.” Maggie put her finger against Alex’s lips to get her to listen.  Alex couldn’t help but giving it a gentle kiss before taking Maggie’s hands in her own.  She sighed.

“You’re right. I’m listening.”

“I know I am,” Maggie smirked. “Now I need you to actually tell me how you’re feeling instead of saying fine.  If you’re mad, say you’re mad! If you’re annoyed, tell me. But no more of this fine business. If you really are fine in the truest sense of the word, then say you’re okay.  Otherwise, I’m going to keep bothering you until you tell me.”

Alex took a deep breath. 

“I’ve never had someone call me on my bullshit.  And then there was you,” she whispered. “I’m trying, I really am.” She looked in her lap at their tangled hands, stroking the back of Maggie’s hand.

“Alex.  Look at me.” Maggie bent down so Alex had no choice but to look at her.

“I know you.  And that’s why I’m doing this. You don’t need to hide from me.  And you don’t need to try. We are in this together and I just want you to know that you can trust me.”

Maggie scoffed at the memory of the conversation.  If only Alex had continued to do this all the way to the end of their relationship, if only she had said she was scared, instead of using some bullshit excuse and saying she was fine.  And here Maggie was, okay, but not fine. Not at all. Maggie contemplated the fact that she didn’t think she would ever be fine again. Not while Alex Danvers was missing from her life.

 

Chorus 1

 

_ Cause there we are again, on that little town street _

_ You almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over at me _

_ Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well _

 

Maggie continued to look at the leaf as she thought back to that trip to Midvale.  How could one leaf have brought up so many memories for her?  _ Because they’re important, that’s why _ Maggie murmured to herself.  Because they meant something.  Because they were real. She shivered as the breeze blew in the window, gently blowing her hair.  Maggie went to make a move to shut the window, closing her eyes at a memory and letting it take her away.

 

They were on the main street of Midvale, coasting through on their way to Eliza’s house.  Maggie had recovered herself from the little pitstop on the side of the road about an hour earlier, and had done her very best to keep her eyes to herself.  She couldn’t say the same for her hands though. She smirked as she looked at her hand, still firmly planted possessively on Alex’s leg. Again, she wondered to herself, when did she become  _ that  _ girl? The minute she met Alex Danvers, she squeezed Alex’s leg as she answered her own question. 

Maggie, eyes closed behind her aviators, raised her head up to catch the last of the fading rays of sunshine, the wind in her hair.  _ I could get used to this  _ she thought, not for the first time this trip. She could feel eyes on her. She opened one eye slightly and glanced at Alex.  Their eyes met. 

“See something you like, Danvers?” she smirked.

“Maybe,” Alex flirted, before flicking her eyes back to the road and slamming on the brakes. The car pulled to a halt almost in the middle of the luckily deserted intersection. 

Maggie jerked forward, Alex putting her arm out to stop her head from hitting the dashboard.

“Danvers.  Did you just almost run a red light because you were distracted by me?”

“Maybe.” Alex repeated.  “Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to save your life”

“Save my life?” Maggie scoffed. “Hardly, you merely saved my face. You were distracted.”

“It’s a pretty face,” Alex countered.  “And again, maybe. I’ll never tell.”

“You’re something else Danvers,” Maggie said, noticing that her hand still had not left Alex’s leg.  She gave it a firm squeeze. “It’s green, now, eyes on the road and go.”

Alex took off, Maggie raising her face to the sun, wind in her hair once more.

 

Maggie could still feel that wind in her hair even now, and it wasn’t just because the window in her apartment was jammed open.  She was there. She remembered it, all too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! And I really appreciate the comments and kudos. It's making me want to keep going. 
> 
> It's pretty fluffy at the moment but there's some angst coming.
> 
> Come holler at me on twitter, it's changed since last time I posted. @alwayssawyer
> 
> Until next time! :)


	3. You told me about your past, thinking your future was with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie recalls the weekend she spent at Midvale with Alex, learning all about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to include Verse 2, Pre-Chorus and Chorus but I got a little carried away, so here's 2500 words on Verse 2. I may have cried a little writing it, so enjoy the feels! This one takes place somewhere between 2x13 and 2x14. I wrote and edited this in about two hours, so all mistakes are mine.

Maggie continued to shiver as she went and pulled the window closed, despite the fact she knew damn well that the open window was not the reason for her goosebumps.  It was Alex. It was always going to be Alex. She hummed to herself as she moved back to the couch, curling both legs beneath her as she buried herself underneath the blanket. Maggie kept flicking through the book, some of her bonsais could really do with some tender loving care.  She had neglected them since the breakup, finding no joy in the small plants. It really was time to pull herself together.  ‘Shit!’ she swore as she flicked to a previously marked page, dropping the book to the floor like it had burnt her.  There, staring right back at her from her lap, were the deep brown eyes she found it far too easy to get lost in, even now.  Alex, as a little kid, smiling back at her, completely unaware of the scars she would one day end up leaving on Maggie’s heart.

  


_Photo album on the counter_

_Your cheeks were turning red_

_Used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed_

_And your mother’s telling stories ‘bout you on the t-ball team_

_You told me about your past thinking your future was me_

  


It was just after the stare-a-thon that had been the drive to Midvale.  They arrived late, Alex wanting nothing more than to curl up in Maggie’s arms, indicating as much as soon as they pulled into the drive. She slammed the car into park, simultaneously reaching for Maggie and pulling her into a heated kiss.

‘I missed you,’ she murmured as she pulled away, pressing her forehead against Maggie’s. Maggie kissed her gently before pulling away, placing a hand gently on Alex’s chest.

‘I’ve been here the whole time Danvers, what are you on about?’ she smirked.

‘You know what I mean, you’re like a drug and unless I get a dose every-’ Alex paused to look at her watch, ‘-15 minutes, then I’ll go crazy! Now come here’ and she leant back into Maggie, pushing against her hand.

‘Danvers, you are truly something else,’ Maggie laughed as she nudged Alex back across to the driver’s seat ‘but unless you want your mother to catch you in a compromising position, I suggest you learn to deal with only getting your fix every hour or so.’

Alex narrowed her eyes.  ‘You promise? Every hour on the hour?’

‘Oh my god I’ve created a monster!’ Maggie exclaimed. ‘Yes, I promise, and not a minute sooner, I have an impression to make here!’

‘Have you even seen you?’ Alex gestured her hands towards Maggie. ‘You make an impression just by showing up.  Eliza is going to love you more than she does me, guaranteed.’

Maggie rolled her eyes. ‘I highly doubt that Danvers, but we need to be on our best behaviour regardless.  Now, are you ready for a fix to keep you going for the next hour?’ she leant in to Alex’s lips, close enough to drive her crazy, willing her to close the rest of the way.  Alex didn’t disappoint.

Half an hour later, they managed to make it inside. Eliza had drawn Maggie into a hug that only a mother could give, tears springing to her eyes as she was reminded of the warmth she had been missing half of her life.  Alex noticed. Of course she did, after the disaster that was Valentine’s Day. She drew Maggie into her side, placing a gentle kiss to the top of her head. Damn that Danvers, always knowing exactly what she needed. Maggie realised in that moment that perhaps she had found her family at last.  

They took their bags up to Alex’s old room, Maggie teasing Alex about the twin bed that they were expected to share for the weekend.

‘Really Danvers? You had a twin bed up until you left for college?!’

‘It was comfortable, okay? I didn’t feel the need to change!’

‘And now we are expected to share it? You didn’t think that maybe you would need to share a bed with someone one day and get something a little, I don’t know, roomier? I know I’m small but I’m not that small!’

Maggie laughed as she turned around to leave the room when, in a move not dissimilar to the one Alex executed when she kissed her for the first time, she was pulled into Alex’s body, barely inches between them.  Alex leant down to whisper in her ear.

‘Had you ever thought of the numerous benefits to sharing a bed that small?’

Maggie’s heart skipped a beat and she swallowed roughly.

‘You make a good point there Danvers,’ she said breathlessly, leaning further into Alex.

Alex stepped away abruptly, Maggie stumbling into the middle of the room.

‘At least you admit you’re small, Sawyer,’ Alex winked at Maggie over her shoulder as she left the room.  Maggie gave herself five minutes to get herself together before following. This woman, was honestly going to be the death of her.

Eliza greeted Maggie with a glass of wine as she entered the kitchen, pulling her out a stool at the counter next to Alex.

‘Please Maggie, take a seat,’ Eliza gestured. ‘I’m just going to grab something and I’ll be back.’

Maggie took a sip of her wine before she made a split second decision that she knew Alex would make her pay for later.

‘Oh, Mrs Danvers?’ Maggie called out.

Eliza stopped in her tracks and turned around with a smile. ‘Please, it’s Eliza, what’s up sweetheart?’

 _Eliza._ Maggie thought.  That name was never going to be easy to say, but if this was what she thought it was, family, she was going to have to get used to it.

‘Eliza, I don’t suppose you have any photo albums with baby Alex in them that you would like to share, do you? Just so I can see what I’m in for?’ she smiled sweetly as she stole a glance as Alex out of the corner of her eye.  She gave herself a mental high five. Alex was glowering at her.

‘Oh you read my mind Maggie! Let’s see what I can find.  Alexandra, get that look off your face.’ Eliza left to find all the evidence Maggie needed for her revenge.

‘Payback’s a bitch, Danvers,’ Maggie muttered. Alex slumped over the counter, her head in her hands.

‘You’re going to regret this later,’ she threatened.

Maggie leaned over and whispered into Alex’s ear.

‘No babe, believe me when I say I’m not going to.’ She hopped off her stool and grabbed Alex’s wine glass.  

‘Refill? I think you’re going to need it,’ she smirked. Alex ignored her.

‘I’m still mad at you’ came the muffled reply.

‘I would expect nothing less,’ Maggie replied, ruffling Alex’s hair as she deliberately swung her hips as she walked into the kitchen.

‘I saw that, and I’m still not talking to you, even if you’re ridiculously hot’ Alex called out. ‘Oh, hey Mum!’

Maggie laughed as she refilled their wine glasses.  This night was about to get interesting.

 

As the night progressed, the wine bottle became emptier, but Maggie’s heart became fuller.  She couldn’t believe what she was finding out about Alex. Not only did her nerd girlfriend have a twin bed, but she also wore glasses and was captain of her school t-ball team.  Eliza spent hours telling Maggie stories about Alex in her childhood, and Maggie couldn’t get enough. She wanted, no, needed to know everything that made up this incredible woman that she was lucky enough to call her own. Alex, however, was becoming progressively redder as the evening continued, and it had nothing to do with the wine consumed, and everything to do with the stories Eliza was telling.

‘Muuuuum!’ she whined. ‘Come on, that’s enough, you’re boring her!’

‘Alexandra, enough! Maggie is enjoying herself, in fact, she’s the one asking all the questions. Now, I must tell you about the time that she knocked herself out playing t-ball…’

Maggie continued to listen to Eliza, turning her gaze to Alex, who was still head down on the bench, trying her very best to block out her mother. Putting down the photo of 9 year old Alex with glasses she had been thumbing over, Maggie reached out to grab Alex’s hand, swiping her thumb gently across the back of it. Alex raised her head up off the counter enough to catch Maggie’s gaze, a faint smile crossing her face as she took in the look of what Maggie was sure was pure adoration.  There was no way that she could hide her heart eyes at this point. She was infatuated. She adored her, and that was a fact.

 

Maggie took a deep breath as she forced herself to look back at the eyes, cloaked in glasses, in her lap. She still remembered taking this photo, slipping it into her pocket as they packed up for the night.  Later on, she would keep it in the back of her phone, Alex close to her always. She thumbed the photograph thoughtfully. She had pushed the existence of this photo to the back of her mind, much like her relationship with Alex, it hurt too much.  But somehow those things that have a lasting impact in life always manage to creep back in, wanted or not.

 

Once they had settled in the twin bed for the night, Maggie propped herself up on Alex’s chest, tracing gentle circles on her sternum with her fingers.

‘Alex, I know you hated tonight but, I just wanted you to know that-’ Alex cut her off, taking her finger and placing a loving kiss on the tip before placing it back on her chest.

‘Thank you, Maggie,’ she whispered hoarsely.

Maggie was stunned.  ‘For what? I was just being a pest and trying to-’ Alex cut her off again.  ‘No, I just, I just need to get this out,’ she stuttered as she tried to sit up.  Maggie went to sit up with her but Alex pushed her back down. ‘Stay there, please?’ She placed Maggie’s head in her lap, her fingers brushing through the strands of Maggie’s hair, a habit that had been created ever since Alex declared that Maggie’s hair was the softest she had ever touched.

‘This is going to be easier to get out if you’re down there,’ she breathed softly.

Maggie held her breath.  Her body instinctively tensed up, trained to expect the worst. This was it.  Alex was going to thank her for everything she had done to help her come to terms with her sexuality, but her help was no longer needed.

‘Relax Mags, I can feel you tensing from up here.  I’m not going anywhere, neither are you,’ she brushed her thumb along Maggie’s cheek.  Not now, not for a long time.’

Maggie let out the breath she wasn’t even aware she had been holding. _What could she possibly have to thank me for?_

‘My mother and I, we have never..’ Alex paused. ‘Never seen eye to eye.  On a lot of things. I never did the right thing about Kara, she always disproved of my career choice, the way I did my hair, my grades, hell, she even disproved of the way I breathed sometimes.  And I always thought that she loved me less, you know, especially once Kara came along. Why would you love a regular daughter when you could love one with super powers? Dad was always the one who made sure I still felt loved.  He always made time for me, taking me surfing or showing me the stars. Once he left, I always felt like Mum didn’t know how to love me anymore. Like she had left it to Jeremiah and suddenly she was lost. I was so determined to make her love me, be more super than Kara, fucking Supergirl, that I lost myself in the process.  I spent so long trying be perfect, I forgot how to be me. Tonight, I don’t know if you realised it or not, but you reconnected me with Eliza. I realised, as she was talking, that it’s not that she didn’t love me, she just didn’t know how to show it. All those times I thought she wasn’t paying attention because she was too busy looking after Kara, she had noticed.  She fucking noticed Maggie.'

‘Alex,’ Maggie began, not wanting to destroy the moment. ‘Why are you telling me this? I didn’t do that with Eliza to try to get you to open up or anything, I just wanted to know you better.  And to be honest I just wanted to annoy you as payback for getting me worked up and walking away earlier.’

Alex let out a soft laugh.  ‘Mags, don’t you see? This is all because of you. Maggie, my love, you changed everything for me.  I will be forever grateful. ‘Alex why-’ Maggie choked out. Alex put a finger on her lips. ‘Shhhh, let me finish. You are so unapologetically yourself and I lo-’ she stumbled. ‘And that’s one of my favourite things about you,’ she continued. ‘I saw that in you and you made me realise that’s what I needed to do too.  You saw me, Maggie, when no one else was looking and you helped Eliza to see me too. I don’t think you know what that means to me.’ Alex choked back a sob.

‘Oh sweetie, that was all you! I just, you know, gave you a nudge.  You’re the one who had the strength to stand out there on your own and be yourself.  I couldn’t be prouder, I hope you know that.’ Maggie was sitting up now, her hands in Alex’s lap.

‘I still don’t understand why you’re telling me all this about your past Alex? I don’t need to-’ Alex cut her off again, sealing her lips with a kiss.  A kiss filled with more love, yes love, than Maggie had ever felt. It scared her. It scared her, in the best way.

‘Maggie, I’m telling you about my past because,’ she stumbled.  Alex Danvers, strong and confident, just stumbled.

‘Because, even if it’s too soon to do this yet, I want you to know that I know that I think my future is with you.  I want you to know everything Maggie, And I want to know everything about you too.’

Maggie threw herself into Alex’s arms, burying her head in her neck.

 

Maggie wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks with the back of her hand.  She remembered that night like it was yesterday. They lay there, curled up with each other in Alex’s twin bed, talking until the sun came up.  Then, they took themselves for a walk down to the beach and explored each other’s pasts some more. Maggie had never let her guard down as much as she did that weekend, and she probably never would again.  She leaned over, picked the book up off the floor and placed the photo back into the chapter about not abandoning bonsais when they became too difficult. Maggie stood up and tossed the book carelessly on the her kitchen counter. It may have only been 11am but it was time for scotch.  ‘Surely it’s 12 o clock somewhere,’ she muttered to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!!


	4. Down the stairs, I was there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes Pre-Chorus 2 and Chorus 2.
> 
> In my mind, it takes place somewhere between 2x16 and 2x17.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Maggie and Alex are dancing to is Hunger by Ross Copperman.
> 
> Check out the lyrics [here](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rosscopperman/hunger.html)  
> Listen to the song [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/7k9GuJYLp2AzqokyEdwEw2)
> 
> Dare you not to tear up.
> 
> OH and the first part is angsty AF but it gets fluffy, I promise.

_And I know it’s long gone and_

_There was nothing else I could do_

_And I forget about you long enough_

_To forget why I needed to_

 

Six months.  It had been six months since she had begged Alex to reconsider. _It’s us._  Maggie didn’t consider herself someone who begged. _I want you._ She hadn’t ever in her life begged for anything. _Are you sure you wanna give up on this?_  Even when her father had kicked her out at the age of 14, she hadn’t asked him to change his mind.  It would seem that Alex had been the woman to change everything for her. Sipping her scotch, Maggie forced herself to return to that day.  It sounded ridiculous, but she felt that if she allowed herself to hit rock bottom, the only way she could go was up. She had tried. She had tried so hard to be everything Alex ever wanted, but that day, she knew there was nothing else she could do.  And the worst part? She knew Alex still fucking loved her. She could feel it in their last moments, in the intimacy they had shared. Maggie choked. That was more than sex, deeper than love making, and she knew, Maggie knew in those moments that Alex’s love for her hadn’t wavered, she had just decided that she loved her unborn, not even conceived child more.  She hadn’t allowed herself to think about _that_ day, well, ever.  It was too fucking painful. Maggie tried, for the most part, to forget any of it ever happened.  It was easier that way, to keep it inside. To forget that Alex had ever been part of her life. It worked.  Most of the time. She could usually function normally for a couple of days maximum, before she would catch hold of a scent, or hear a familiar laugh that would send her spiralling back. Days like today, where she had been good for a week, before she allowed herself to let the memories of Alex back in.  It was only then that she remembered why she kept her locked away in the first place. Because it hurt too fucking much.

Maggie moved towards the kitchen and poured herself another glass of scotch, hoping it would act like glue and fix the cracks in her broken heart.  The broken heart which she had just shattered all over again. Sick of the silence bearing down on her, she flicked on the stereo. Out of the speakers came the sound of _that_ song. What was with today? She slammed her glass down on the counter, almost shattering it.  Why was it, today of all days, that all these memories were being triggered? Before Alex, she hadn’t believed in signs from the universe, but then the universe put her and Alex at that same crime scene and suddenly she paid attention to what the universe had to say.  But then it all went up in smoke and she spent too many nights howling in pain, asking the universe what she had done to deserve this life. Now? There were too many signs to ignore. Maybe she needed to listen to what the universe had to say again. Maggie started swaying to the rhythm of the music, singing softly under her breath as she drifted back to a happier time. _One look and I can’t catch my breath, t_ _wo souls into one flesh, w_ _hen you’re not next to me,_ _I’m incomplete._

 

_‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night_

_We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light_

_Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well._

 

They had been together for over three months by this point.  It was after Valentine’s Day, after the Cadmus ordeal, and they had settled into some kind of normalcy in their relationship.  That did not mean, however, that the honeymoon period was over. Far from it. In fact, at this point, Maggie felt like it was never going to end. Alex never ceased to amaze her with her selflessness and her kindness, her beauty and her intelligence.  This particular night, it was 1am and Maggie had just finished the most horrendous overtime. She was supposed to have finished at 7pm, meeting Alex for a late dinner, but the case she was working on took an unexpected turn, leaving her stranded by the docks, covered in alien goo. She texted Alex to tell her that she was safe and heading home to crash, that she would see her tomorrow.  Truthfully, her body ached for Alex, just to be close to her, to be cared for by her, but she knew she needed to place some boundaries before they were both in too deep. She put her phone in her back pocket and headed down to her bike. Just as she reached the garage, her phone buzzed. Alex should have been asleep. She was a heavy sleeper and always had her phone on silent, there’s no way Maggie’s text would have woken her.  

When she arrived at Alex’s, the door was unlocked, so she let herself in.  Alex’s place was completely dark, with a slight glow coming from the bathroom.

‘Alex?’ Maggie called out as she removed her boots and placed them next to Alex’s at the door. She was covered in alien goo and really just wanted to clean the day off.

‘In here,’ Alex responded, her muffled voice coming from the bathroom.

Maggie gently pushed open the door and had to stop herself from swooning.  There, Alex had set up candles, Maggie’s favourite calming oils, and the biggest fluffiest towel - the one Alex knew Maggie had tried to steal on several occasions.

‘Hey,’ Alex greeted her softly, leaning in to kiss her girlfriend.

Maggie put up a hand to stop her.

‘Alien goo.’

‘Oh, right,’ Alex murmured.  She blew a kiss instead as she leaned into the shower, turning it on.  Maggie noticed that the dial was set in the position that Maggie preferred - so hot it burnt.  How did Alex remember these fine details?

‘I’ll leave you to it, babe.  Call out if you need anything.’ Alex blew her another kiss as she went to head out the door.

‘Alex,’ Maggie called out.

‘Yeah, babe?’

‘Thank you’

‘Any time,’ Alex gave her a smile that Maggie knew was only reserved for her, and Alex closed the door gently behind her.

As Maggie showered, she thought about how lucky she was, to have someone like Alex in her life.  Not even just in her life, but _in_ her life.  She never knew someone could bring her so much joy. Yet, she still had a wall up.  There were things in Maggie’s past that she was so ashamed of - if Alex ever found out, surely she would leave? Alex had placed her on such a pedestal from the very beginning, and Maggie never felt like she could live up to the expectations.  One secret in particular, had the potential to destroy everything they had built. Did she trust Alex enough to let her in? Let her see all of her? Time would tell. Stepping out of the shower, Maggie wrapped herself in her towel, she had, after all, taken ownership of it now.  She took a minute to soak in the calming atmosphere of the bathroom before heading to bed. _Dammit._ She wasn’t expecting to be staying here so she had nothing to sleep in. Maggie smirked to herself as she thought about slipping into the bed beside Alex, naked.   _Not such a bad idea,_ she thought.  She blew out the candles, exiting the bathroom quietly to round the corner, up the stairs and into bed. Maggie assumed Alex would already be in bed, asleep, and she was so tired that she took no notice of her surroundings until she reached the bed.  There, on _her_ side, was the shirt of Alex’s that she always stole and a pair of boxers. Dropping the towel, she gratefully slipped on the shorts over her slender legs, and it was only then, as she was tugging the shirt over her head, that she registered what was happening in the rest of the apartment.

Alex wasn’t in bed, asleep, as Maggie had expected.  She was in the kitchen, the refrigerator supplying the only light in the room.  Dressed too in only a shirt and boxers, she was swaying to the rhythm of the soft music that was drifting from the speakers. Maggie stopped in her tracks.  She had never seen anything so beautiful in her whole life. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, the weight of the moment sitting on her chest. That wall that she had thought about in the shower? It was crumbling before her eyes. Trying to recover, she cleared her throat gently in an effort to stop her heart from racing and her throat from drying out.  Slowly, as if in a movie, Alex turned around and made eye contact with Maggie. Maggie couldn’t stop the soft smile that spread across her face. She opened her arms wide and made her way down the stairs towards Alex. Simultaneously, a soft smile spread across Alex’s face, and she too opened her arms as she met Maggie in the middle of the room.  She pulled Maggie into her embrace, Maggie burying her face into her favourite spot - between Alex’s shoulder and neck.

‘Hey you,’ Alex whispered softly, placing a kiss on the top of Maggie’s head.

‘Hey you back,’ came Maggie’s muffled reply, placing a kiss on Alex's skin, her weight resting completely in Alex’s arms.  ‘I thought you would be asleep,’ she remarked as she leant back to look at Alex, her arms looping around Alex’s neck.

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ Alex mumbled, dropping her gaze to a fixed point behind Maggie’s head.

‘What’s on your mind?’ Maggie began swaying them to the music.

‘You,’ came Alex’s reply. ‘I- I struggle to sleep when you’re not around these days, so I thought I would keep myself busy.  I made you food if you were hungry’ she admitted, running a hand through her hair. A tell-tale sign that she was nervous.

‘You going soft on me Danvers?’ Maggie teased, bringing Alex’s lips to meet hers in a soft kiss.  Short, but full of meaning, reassuring Alex that she hadn't said anything to send Maggie running, that Maggie too struggled to sleep without the warmth of her girlfriend against her front.

‘You know it,’ Alex murmured, tucking Maggie back into her neck, taking the weight off her tired girlfriend’s feet as she continued to sway them to the music. She felt Maggie grin into her neck.

‘I’m so tired,’ Maggie mumbled.

‘Let’s get you into bed then,’ Alex made a move to take Maggie to bed.

‘Not yet,’ Maggie replied, ‘dance with me a bit?’

‘Anything for you Mags,’ and Alex held her almost asleep girlfriend in her arms, her feet off the floor, twirling them gently around the room, bathed in the light from the refrigerator.

 

Maggie came back to herself, the words of the song imprinting themselves on her skin. _I'm on fire like a thousand suns, I couldn't put it out even if I wanted to._ She didn’t remember anything after that, only waking up next to Alex the next morning, never feeling more rested and content.  The song continued as she closed her eyes and went back to the feeling of seeing Alex across the room, moving downstairs towards her, and being scooped up into her arms. That was a feeling that she remembered all too well.


	5. Running Scared, I Was There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie begins to ask herself some unanswered questions about her relationship with Alex, causing her to come to some realisations.
> 
> Alex calls...and Maggie isn't happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to apologise in advance for this chapter. It's not fluffy. There's no fluff. 
> 
> These lyrics didn't allow for any fluffy memories, just angst upon angst, my poor Maggie.
> 
> Parts of this were quite therapeutic to write though.
> 
> The fluff will be back next chapter, promise!!
> 
> All mistakes are my own.

_ Maybe we got lost in translation _

_ Maybe I asked for too much _

_ Maybe this thing was a masterpiece _

_ ‘Til you tore it all up _

_ Running scared I was there, I remember it all too well _

 

Tired of having memories of Alex everywhere she looked, Maggie threw herself onto the floor, staring at the ceiling.  It may not have been comfortable, but it certainly provided a different perspective. There was also no danger of anything reminding her of what she lost down here.  Except, she thought with a sigh, in her memories. Remembering what she had told herself about going back there to help the healing process, she let herself ask all the questions that she asked herself in the beginning before she realised it was no use.

_ Where did I go wrong? _

_ Did I expect too much of her? _

_ Should I have seen this coming? _

Closing her eyes, she tried to answer the questions as truthfully as she could. She didn’t want to place blame.  She didn’t. But from her perspective, the only thing that Maggie didn’t do was want to have kids. She had spent the last 6 months blaming herself, but wasn’t she the one fighting all along? Did she ask too much of Alex, expect more than she could give? The answer to this was also no. Alex constantly exceeded her expectations, without Maggie asking her to.  She wasn’t one of those nagging girlfriends who needed everything done for her all the time. In fact, up until Alex she had been too independent, always wanting to do things by herself, for herself. She shook her head, taking a moment to ground herself in the coolness of the floor on her back.

Alex proposed.  There it was. The heart of the matter.  She couldn’t have seen this coming, Alex proposed.  Alex got scared and held onto the only constant she had.  But they had talked about that, hadn’t they? Maggie wracked her brain trying to recall the countless 3am conversations they had in the weeks following Alex’s spur of the moment proposal. Maggie checked.  Maggie made sure, before they made it official with rings, that Alex wasn’t making a life-changing decision based on the fear of what had happened to Kara. They worked through that. So Maggie accepted, because when it came down to it, Alex was everything she had ever wanted. What they had was perfect. Perfectly imperfect, two broken souls healing themselves with each other. People were jealous of their relationship, how perfect it was. They commented constantly on the way that the could communicate with a look, the way they could anticipate each other’s next movement, especially at work. She knew Alex’s needs before Alex knew them herself, that’s how in tune they were.  When Maggie had first commented that they made a pretty good team, she had no idea just how good. Personality, living together, sexually. Oh god, sexually. Maggie’s toes curled involuntarily at the thought. She missed that. She had tried others, a few, in the time that they had been apart but nothing came close. Because none of them were Alex. 

So yes, they were compatible in every aspect. And Maggie was all in.  She wanted to spend her life with this woman, waking up next to her every morning, kissing her every night before they went to sleep. None of that mattered, though, when Alex became fixated on the one way that they weren’t compatible.  Maggie had spent the last 6 months blaming herself, thinking that she wasn’t good enough for Alex because she wasn’t ready to give Alex what she wanted. Even though what Alex wanted Alex had not mentioned for the entirety of their relationship.   _ Fuck _ , Maggie thought.  _ Fuck fuck fuck, _ She sat bolt upright as she realised.  She should have fought harder. She should have refused to leave that apartment. Alex was scared. Alex got scared and ran.  Why hadn’t she realised this earlier? It was the same pattern when Alex broke up with her no less than 12 hours after they had slept together for the first time.  Fear was her trigger. Why the fuck hadn’t Maggie realised this before? 

_ Because Alex didn’t want you to,  _ came the voice in her head.   _ Because Alex was using the kids as an excuse.  Because Alex was still afraid she wasn’t enough for you, that she would end up hurting you. And, because you were scared too, that you would hurt your kids like yours hurt you. _

Frustrated and emotional, tears now streaming down her face, Maggie ran a hand through her hair, pushing herself up off the floor to brace herself on the kitchen island. She finished off the rest of her scotch.

 

_ But then you call me up again, just to break me like a promise _

_ So casually cruel in the name of being honest _

_ I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here _

_ ‘Cause I remember it all too well _

 

It was much later, when the sun had disappeared behind the buildings of National City, when there wasn’t much scotch left in the bottle, that Maggie could begin to function again. She unlocked her phone absentmindedly to check her emails, her phone still open on her recently called list.  No one except work called her anymore. So there, second from the top of her recents was the one name she didn’t want to see right now. Alex #❤️. Alex had called her up, around a month ago, and to be honest, Maggie still didn’t know why. She had stared at that screen for so long, thinking that she was imagining it.

 

‘Danvers?’

‘Maggie?’

That voice. There was that voice that she had tried so desperately to forget. Yet, it was the voice of a stranger that she could recognise anywhere.

‘What do you want Danvers?’ Maggie sighed, choking back a sob. She was met with silence. She didn’t want to call her by name.  Danvers was less intimate somehow. But she knew that there would be no answer otherwise.

Almost choking on the name, she spat it out.

‘Alex. What do you want?’ She was firmer now. The flicker of hope that she had felt when she saw Alex’s name on her caller ID had now exploded into full on rage. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep it in check. Months of heartache and anger, at herself and Alex was about to evacuate the burning fire that was now her heart. 

‘I just uh, I just thought I would ring and check in, see how you were holding up.’ And then, in that tone that was reserved only for Maggie, had only ever been reserved for her since that night in the bar:

‘I was worried about you.’

Maggie saw red and she let fly.

‘Check in? You thought you would check in? We are done Danvers, or were you not present when you said we couldn’t be together? Had you been inhabited by a white martian again?’ She snapped. Back to Danvers.  It was better this way.

‘No, Maggie, believe me, I remember… I just wanted to see how you were doing, check that you were doing okay, let you know that everyone’s been asking after-’

Maggie cut her off angrily, half tempted to hang up right there so she didn’t need to hear the words that were reopening old wounds.  Instead, she mustered up every last piece of Maggie Sawyer fire that Alex had not destroyed and let her have it.

‘What is the purpose of this call? What exactly are you trying to achieve here Danvers, cos it feels like it’s not helping either one of us, or is it just serving you, making you feel better. Typical, it was all about you in the end, wasn’t it?’

Maggie swore she heard Alex bite back a sob.  _ Too far? _

‘I just thought-’

‘You just thought what? That you could call me up, reopen all the wounds that I’ve worked so fucking hard to heal?’

‘Maggie I-’

‘Save it Danvers.  You broke me. I let you in and you broke me.’

Maggie heard a strangled cry on the end of the phone. Any other day and that sound would have stopped her in her tracks.  Any other day and she would have been racing to wherever Alex was, racing to hold her and make sure she never heard that sound again. Not today.  Today, she let months of pent up anger and frustration out.

‘Part of me wanted to believe that you wouldn’t, hell, you made me believe that you wouldn’t. But then you did it anyway.  You broke me, Alex, and I don’t know if I can ever manage to put myself back together. I thought I could. But you just undid months of hard work.’

Maggie let out a breath that she didn’t realise she had been holding, waiting for more of Alex’s excuses. 

‘Maggie I’ve been trying to heal too, you think this has been easy for me?’

Maggie scoffed.

‘I just wanted to be honest and let you know that what we had was real, and that I still care. I-I-I will always care” Alex sobbed down the phone. 

‘I needed you to know how I felt’

‘You made it perfectly clear how you felt,’ Maggie said bitterly.  

‘Pity you weren’t this honest every time I asked if you were okay with not having kids.  You promised Alex. You promised me that you wouldn’t break my heart. Where did that Alex go? Because this Alex, the Alex that went running the minute she was scared, the Alex that is ringing me up to make herself feel better? So she doesn’t feel as bad about kicking me out on my sorry ass, leaving the family I had created for myself, leaving me with nothing? I don’t know her.’

She stopped, waiting for a response. 

‘Goodbye Alex.’ With a strangled sob, Maggie hung up the phone. She threw herself on the bed, breathing heavily, completely broken all over again.


	6. Time Won't Fly, It's Like I'm Paralysed By It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get back to some kind of fluff as Maggie continues to remember what Alex meant to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first flashback is from just after 2x17 with the whole Emily debacle, the second is from 3x11.
> 
> [This](http://sinrosetros.tumblr.com/post/152562950892/alex-danvers-flannels-%EF%BE%89-%E3%83%AE-%EF%BE%89%EF%BE%9F) is the shirt that Alex is wearing.
> 
> I wrote this fairly quickly, so all mistakes are my own

_Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralysed by it_

_I’d like to be my old self again_

_But I’m still trying to find it_

 

Maggie continued to stare at the screen of her phone, which was the only source of light in her now dark apartment. _Has it only been a month_ ? Maggie wondered, checking the time stamp on the phone call. The months since the breakup had dragged by, they were almost paralysing.   _Six months_ .  She choked back a sob.  It had been six months since she had lost the love of her life.  She could say that now, in retrospect, even if she knew it then and didn’t want to admit it. _Pull yourself together Sawyer,_ she chided herself as she began to busy herself, tidying up the empty scotch bottle and other memorabilia she had strewn across the apartment in her reflections through the day. She stretched her arms above her head, her head spinning from the effects of the scotch. _Shower and bed_ , she thought. That’s the only way this day was going to end, and then tomorrow she was going to pick herself up, continuing her life without the light that was Alex Danvers.

As she let the burning hot water run over her tight muscles, she continued to think about the lasting impact that Alex had on her life.  It was not what she had expected. This wasn’t her. This isn’t what she did. She didn’t let people in. She didn’t let people see her weaknesses. She had done that once when she was 14 and look how well that worked out. But Alex. Alex was different. She chipped away at those walls until Maggie had no choice to let her in. When did she become that person? Maggie gasped as she realised. Perhaps, she had been this vulnerable person all along, she just pretended she wasn’t to protect herself. And perhaps Alex hadn’t broken her after all. Perhaps Alex had seen through the bravado and found the real her and put her back together. Her tears mixed with the steady shower stream as she let her body wrack with sobs. This was supposed to get easier.  Everything she had said to Alex on that dark day, six months ago, had been true. Alex had made her deal with her own stuff. And she was stronger for it. Shutting the faucet off and stepping out of the shower, Maggie thought that perhaps the key was to not keep trying to find the person that she was before Alex, that person didn’t exist anymore. No. The key to moving forward, she realised, was to embrace who she was because of Alex, and move forward with that version of herself.

 _You can have tonight, Sawyer. You can cry all you want, but tomorrow, it’s back to moving on and forgetting about the life you could have had._ She shut off the light and moved into the bedroom.

 

_After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own_

_Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone_

 

Even though it had been six months - to the day - she realised, since she had moved out, Maggie hadn’t really unpacked. She was still living out of her suitcase, stuffed half open in the corner of her tiny bedroom. Even though she had been out of the country since then,  part of her figured that if she didn’t unpack, then it was like she had never moved out and none of it had really happened. As she tossed her towel to the side before she slipped under the covers, she caught a glance of one of Alex’s plaid shirts hanging out of the side of the suitcase. She initially tried to ignore it, but fuck it, that shirt brought back too many good memories of her time with Alex to ignore.  Maggie, against her better judgement, pulled the shirt from her suitcase and slipped it over her bare shoulders, not noticing her passport falling to the floor. _You can have tonight_ , she reminded herself, as she soaked in the scent and warmth of Alex’s shirt, letting herself be taken back to happier times, when she had everything she wanted in the world. If she closed her eyes and tried hard enough, it was almost like she was back in her arms.

It was the morning after the Emily conversation, Maggie remembered.  After Alex had come back from saving Kara, they had spoken at length about everything, and Maggie had bared her soul to Alex in a way that she never had to anyone before, and she knew she never would again. They had spent the night cuddled up together, content with just being near each other, the naked skin serving as a reminder to how vulnerable they were.  Maggie had fallen asleep curled up against Alex’s chest, Alex’s fingers combing softly through her hair while her other hand drew light patterns up and down her naked back. She scarcely remembered ever feeling so content. When she woke up the next morning, she flung her arm out, hoping to grab her girlfriend so she could show her appreciation for her understanding, in a way that words would not suffice. The bed was empty. Maggie sat up, groggy, her eyes still sore from the tears the night before.  She didn’t bother covering herself as she sat up, they were beyond modesty at this point in time.

‘Danvers?’ she called out, her voice hoarse. The logical part of her brain knew that Alex hadn’t left her, she wouldn’t have said all of those things the night before and then left, but she still panicked.

She rubbed her eyes and made a move to get out of bed.

‘Alex?’ she tried to cover her panic.

And then she saw her.  Alex was moving around the kitchen, her lithe body a sight to behold in nothing but one of her plaid button ups.  Except it wasn’t buttoned up. Maggie took a moment to appreciate the view, her heart racing. It had been almost six months with this woman, but she still never failed to take her breath away. Alex was making coffee, and turned around when she felt the heat of Maggie’s stare.  She shot her a grin that Maggie knew was only reserved for her, and made her way back to the bedroom, coffee in hand.

‘Black coffee,’ she announced as she placed the coffee on the side table.

‘There’s a sesame seed bagel in the toaster, for the second time,’ she added with an eye roll.

Maggie smirked.

‘How you feeling?’ she asked softly. ‘Thought you might need something in your system after last night.’

Alex sat down on the side of the bed next to Maggie, gently running a thumb down her cheek.

Maggie could feel herself practically purring.  She loved morning Alex. She put her arms around Alex’s neck and dragged her into a heated kiss, attempting to convey just how she was feeling.  She brought her mouth up to Alex’s ear and softly whispered, ‘the only thing I need in my system right now Alex, is you.’

Full of want, she made a move to push Alex onto her back in the middle of the bed. Alex was too fast, swinging a leg over to straddle Maggie’s waist, gently laying her head back on the pillows. The electricity between them was palpable, and even though she had bared her soul less than 12 hours earlier, Maggie found herself in a complete state of vulnerability in that moment. Alex had topped before. It wasn’t a new situation. But this? Alex straddling her, hair ruffled, plaid shirt hanging loosely off her body, looking at her with more love than she had ever hoped to experience? This was new. New and scary, and almost too much to handle. Maggie was certain that there was no turning back from here.  From this moment, she was sure that her heart would always belong to Alex Danvers. Shakily, she reached up, cupping Alex’s face in her hands. She pulled her down gently to her eye level, staring into the brown orbs that blinked back at her.

‘Please don’t break my heart,’ she murmured.

Alex’s breath hitched momentarily, but then she grabbed Maggie’s hands, intertwining their fingers and placing them above Maggie’s heart “I could never,” she breathed, before sealing the promise with a spine tingling, emotion filled kiss that Maggie could still remember, even now.

That’s where they had spent the day, she remembered.  They had barely got out of bed, and Maggie’s coffee and bagel lay abandoned until about 3pm when they surfaced for air.

‘How did you not know you were gay, Danvers?’ she joked as she pulled on another plaid shirt from Alex’s countless collection.

‘You have more plaid than me, and that’s coming from someone who has been out for half her life.’

Alex scowled at her from the kitchen where she was making a second attempt at Maggie’s coffee and bagel.

‘Maybe I didn’t wear plaid until I met you and you dragged me out of the closet,’ Alex retorted.

Maggie crossed the apartment to the kitchen, standing behind Alex as she waited for the water to boil.  She slipped her hands around Alex’s waist, feeling the smooth expanse of skin underneath her shirt.

‘Best thing I ever did,’ she breathed into Alex’s back.  Maggie moved her hands further down Alex’s torso, tracing circles as she went.  Alex almost dropped the hot water that she was pouring into the cups.

‘Babe,’ she inhaled as she placed the kettle back on the counter.  ‘Do you want coffee, or not?’

Maggie stilled her hands for a moment before spinning Alex around and taking her into a kiss with way more tongue than she intended.

‘I choose not,’ she said in between kisses as she dragged Alex back to the bed.  And that’s where they stayed until the following morning when they had to go back to work.  They often spoke fondly about ‘plaid day,’ vowing to continue the tradition once a month when they were married.

 

Maggie smiled into the memories as she buried herself further into the plaid shirt, before realising she hadn’t set any alarms for work the next day, and her phone was still sitting on the couch.  She eased herself out of bed, feeling something leather under her foot as she moved towards the door. She leaned down to pick up what she realised was her passport. It must have fallen out of her suitcase when she had grabbed the shirt.  Her memory of getting her passport back was such a stark difference to the memories of plaid day she had just played in her head.

 

It was the middle of winter, freezing, just after Christmas, and Maggie had just received a call from her Captain.  They needed her to head to South America to head up their science division in its early stages. She would only be there a month tops, and at that point it seemed like the perfect distraction.  The only problem was, she couldn’t find her passport anywhere. She had turned her apartment upside down, but to no avail. She hadn’t even unpacked any boxes at that point, where the fuck was it? Until it dawned on her.  She had just renewed it before the wedding, in preparation for their honeymoon. She had picked it up from the post office and _oh shit_ .  It was still at Alex’s.  She didn’t know how to deal with that.  But she had no option, she needed to get it back. Bundling herself into her winter coat, she set out the short distance to Alex’s apartment.  She had wanted to move further away, but her new place was the perfect location for the precinct and the perfect price. Hands in pockets, she trudged her way through the cold until she was outside the all too familiar building.  Looking up, she could see the lights on in Alex’s apartment. _What are you waiting for? Off you go! In and out, quick and easy._ Her feet didn’t move.  She was stuck. She could feel her heart racing, and bile building in her throat. _Pull yourself together Sawyer. You’ve taken on blood thirsty aliens ten times your size.  You can face your ex and get your passport back._ But the truth of the matter was that she couldn’t.  The prospect of even stepping foot into that building, let alone seeing Alex’s face again was too overwhelming. Ashamed of herself, Maggie pulled out her phone and typed Alex a message. She typed it so quickly that she didn’t even notice the typo until it was too late.  

 

 

With one last glance up at Alex’s window, she turned around and began to walk back the way she came.  Shivering, she tried not to think about how if Alex were here she would have had her arms around Maggie, making sure she was warm.  She would have taken the jacket off her own back, just to make sure Maggie was warm and protected. This time, however, she walked the distance back to her lonely apartment, cold and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also after this is finished I was thinking about taking prompts to write other things? I have tumblr but twitter might be easier. Hit me up @alwayssawyer 
> 
> Thanks for all your lovely comments, they make me think I might be doing okay and I should keep going, so, thank you.


	7. I remember it, all too well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all  
> Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all  
> It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, the last chapter!!!
> 
> Just a note, this chapter switches POV from Maggie to Alex, but I've clearly marked where that happens so you're not confused.
> 
> I hope it's a satisfying end to this one for you, I loved writing it.

_But you keep my old scarf_

_From that very first week_

_‘Cause it reminds you of innocence_

_And it smells like me_

_You can’t get rid of it_

_‘Cause you remember it all too well_

 

_Maggie_

Maggie woke up slowly, sunshine pouring in the window she had forgotten to close the night before.  She was embraced by a familiar smell and sense of comfort, flinging her arm into the middle of the bed, searching for the warm body that she could sense.  There was no one there, and yet she felt more well-rested and content than she had in the last 6 months. Stretching her arms above her head, she realised why.  She had fallen asleep in Alex’s shirt. In Alex’s smell. Not wanting to get up yet, she snuggled back into the shirt, letting Alex wash over her once more.  Not for the first time, Maggie wondered if Alex still did this with something of hers, perhaps that scarf. She fondly remembered coming home early from a conference in Gotham to find Alex asleep on the couch.  The scarf had been wrapped around her face and tucked into her neck. Her heart had warmed as Alex had groggily explained that it was the only way that she could sleep without Maggie around. Maggie wondered if this was still the case as she begrudgingly pulled herself out of her Alex cave and began her day.

_Alex_

Across the city, in an apartment which no longer held the warmth it used to, Alex Danvers woke up on the couch. She could count on one hand the amount of times she had slept in her bed in the last month.  Straight after the break up, she told herself that she would be fine, that it was the right decision and it would get easier. She forced herself to sleep in the bed in order to move on. At some point, she would need to get used to falling asleep without the warmth of Maggie beside her. Somewhere along the line, she gave up trying. Her eyes, adjusting to the sunshine, landed on the red and black material staring at her from its position on the floor where it must have fallen overnight. That damn scarf. If it didn’t hurt so fucking much she would have smiled at the sight of it.  Alex reached out an arm to scoop it up, burying her face in it once more. She found herself bathed in a familiar smell. A scent that was so uniquely Maggie, she knew she could never forget it. Coconut oil, jasmine, figs and just...Maggie. She inhaled subconsciously, clutching the scarf to her chest, treasuring that smell which she had resigned herself to never experiencing in person again. Not for the first time in 24 hours, Alex was transported back to another time, and she remembered it fondly. The night where Maggie had worn the ridiculous scarf to cover up her neck. When Alex had realised, after only a week of dating, that she wasn’t scared of what people thought anymore.  The look of surprise in Maggie’s eyes when she had drawn her in for a kiss was not something that would ever leave her.

 

_‘Cause there we are again_

_When I loved you so_

_Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

 

_Alex_

That smell took her back to another time, a time before she had to live with regret, a time when she thought she knew what heartbreak was.  They had been so happy, and, if she was honest with herself, they had been right up until Alex decided she didn’t want it anymore. But that was a lie, wasn’t it? Still clutching the scarf, Alex rolled onto her back. For the first time in the 6 months since she had lost the one real thing she had ever known, Alex allowed herself to be honest.  For so long she had maintained that she ended everything for the right reasons, for a reason bigger than her. But that wasn’t true was it? _No._ Alex thought.  It wasn’t. She was scared.  Scared of what her feelings meant.  What they meant for her relationship with Kara, what they meant for her job, what they meant for her future.  She had wanted a future with Maggie, she had wanted it all. That alone had terrified her and also ultimately ruined the most precious thing in the world.  She had destroyed not only their relationship, but also Maggie. Maggie who she had fought to protect, was now broken because of Alex. She had told her as much over the phone several months ago.  Ever since then, Alex had barely been able to live with the pain, but she froze with fear every time she thought about trying to repair what she had broken.

Alex stood up slowly from the couch as she began to start her day, heading for the shower to clear her head. She could not possibly be clear headed in the field today if her thoughts were full of Maggie.  She inhaled the scent one more time before stuffing it down behind the couch cushions.

She continued to process her thoughts as she let the hot water cascade over her tight shoulders. The thought of having kids had been with her for as long as she had remembered. It had acted like a compass in her life,  a signal that once she reached that destination, she would be content, she would be perfect. What she had forgotten to do, however, was to readjust that compass when Maggie came into her life. Alex realised now, with astounding clarity, that she did not want any of those things without Maggie. She had found perfection with her, but had been too blind to realise it. It was rare, and she remembered it all.

 

_Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all_

_Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

 

_Maggie_

Despite having told herself the night before that today was day one of moving on from Alex Danvers for good, Maggie knew that she would never forgive herself if she didn’t try one more time.  Waking up feeling safe for the first time in months, just from Alex’s shirt had lit a fire inside of Maggie. Knowing full well that her mind nor her heart would ever be free from Alex, she dressed herself with purpose, before striding across to the kitchen bench where she had left her phone. Before she could talk herself out of it, Maggie opened a new message and began to type frantically. After a full day of remembering all the reasons why she had fallen in love with Alex in the first place, after waking up enveloped once more in that smell she never thought she would get again, Maggie needed confirmation that it wasn’t all in her head - that Alex had been there too.  That Alex remembered them in their perfectly imperfect state as well. If she could get that, then perhaps she could find the courage to fight for Alex like she should have 6 months ago. If she could get that, perhaps they stood a chance.

She hit send, crossing her fingers that Alex understood the references.  There was a time when her and Alex could know what the other was thinking from a simple look or even just a word.  She hoped that hadn’t changed. If it had, well then Maggie was just a fool still in love with a woman who perhaps never loved her as much as she thought. She paced the floor of her tiny apartment anxiously, trying not to stare at her phone. For once she wished that she had never turned off the read receipts on Alex’s phone.  She smirked at the memory, remembering how annoyed Kara was when she discovered that she could no longer tell whether Alex was ignoring her or not. She would never take back the uninterrupted the mornings they had once the read receipts were off. Kara had interrupted them once, and she swore never to again.

Maggie gasped as she saw it, releasing a breath that she wasn’t aware she had been holding.  Three grey dots. Three grey dots that signalled that Alex had received her message and was typing. They disappeared and Maggie held her breath again, waiting for a text to come through.  A text never came. Maggie slammed her hand down on the bench in anger. Of course she wouldn’t reply. She had made her decision clear. She had no reason to. Alex probably had some nice girl now who wasn’t so fucked up in the head.  Someone who wanted to give Alex the life she wanted, the life she deserved. She was ready now, she wanted to talk, to figure it all out. But it was too late. In her despair, Maggie didn’t see the grey dots reappear. She did, however, hear the swish as a message from Alex appeared. Trying to see through the tears forming in her eyes, Maggie squinted at the message. A smile so big it gave her double dimples spread itself up her face, all the way to her eyes.  She grabbed her keys, her helmet and headed out the door. She knew exactly where she had to go, and was certain that Alex would be there when she arrived. 

_Alex_

Alex had just left the shower and was beginning to dry her now short hair, when she heard her phone buzz on the bedside table.  She switched the dryer off, put it back in the drawer, noticing the empty space where Maggie’s used to be. _Yours sucks Danvers, it turns my hair into the big frizz,_ she had said, refusing to ever use Alex’s again. Alex smiled fondly as she closed the bathroom door behind her, heading for her phone.  The message preview she saw took her breath away and left her frozen, her legs refusing to move. She staggered to the edge of her bed and sat down.

The wind blowing in Maggie’s hair as they drove through the town where she broke up? She was there. She remembered it. Maggie dancing down the stairs towards her, arms outreached to her like she was the best fucking thing in the world? She was there. She remembered it. Then Alex realised. It was rare. She was there for it all and it was rare. That kind of love was never going to find her again.

She began to type nine words.  Nine words that could adjust that compass onto the course it was destined for all along.  She was about to hit send when the crippling fear came back. She locked her phone and walked away.  She couldn’t do it. What if she broke Maggie again? Maggie had given her one more chance and she had blown it. _You get one, Alex._ Yet here she was offering it again. Alex didn’t deserve Maggie and her enormous heart and willingness to forgive, but fuck she needed her and was prepared to fight for her with all she had. She was ready now. With shaking hands, but an absolute certainty in her heart, she unlocked her phone and hit send.  

With a lightness in her step and a smile encompassing her entire face, Alex grabbed her keys, her helmet and headed out the door.  She knew exactly where she had to go, and was certain that Maggie would be there when she arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I've kind of left it hanging. I'm open to writing their reunion scene if it's something that you would be interested in reading, let me know!


	8. Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion you all (okay so like two of you) asked for.

_ Inevitable;  _ _ certain to happen; unavoidable. _

Maggie arrived before Alex, still uncertain about whether or not Alex would turn up.  Needing to expend some of her nervous energy, she began to pace in front of the bench.  The bench that they had considered theirs for so long. It was at this bench that they had grown a friendship, having coffee in moments where they weren’t trying to save the world.  It was at this bench that they, without hesitation, grasped hands and acknowledged that what they had was rare. At this bench, Alex, again without hesitation, shyly gave Maggie a key and asked her to move in. Maggie had accepted without hesitation. Any important conversation they had engaged in about their relationship had occurred at this bench.  She knew that if Alex understood anything about the text that she sent, that she would show up here. In her heart of hearts, Maggie knew, without a doubt, that Alex would turn up.

_ Inevitable.  _

And yet, she was still nervous.  So nervous in fact that she felt like she was going to be sick.  So she paced. She walked back and forth, wringing her hands in front of her as she so often did when she was worked up.  As she paced, she remembered everything that had brought her to this moment. The wind in her hair, Alex’s gaze making her blush, dancing in the kitchen to the refrigerator light, plaid shirt days where she had never felt safer or more loved. All of a sudden, like someone had ignited a flame inside her, Maggie felt a calmness sweep over her, and it was like nothing else mattered.  Her heart leapt. Alex was here. She came. Without wanting to seem too eager, Maggie glanced in the direction from where she felt Alex approaching. Holding a coffee in each hand, Alex walked slowly towards Maggie and it was like time stopped and all breath had left her lungs.  She had forgotten what it was like to be in Alex Danvers’ orbit and her body was reminding her just what it felt like - an inevitable magnetic pull.

Maggie was caught between wanting to sweep the approaching woman up in her arms, and wanting to yell at her for abandoning her - even when she knew about the darkest parts of her past.  Alex knew what asking her to leave would do, yet she did it anyway. Instead of dwelling on this, Maggie settled somewhere between the two. A shy smile that didn’t convey much and a hand running anxiously through her hair.  If Alex remembered her at all, she would take this as a sign that Maggie was anxious and unsure of where she stood. If she was right, Alex would give her a look reserved only for her, designed to calm her and help her to feel safe.  Maggie kept her eyes focussed on Alex’s approaching feet, not wanting to know if that look was there or not. She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what was to come and looked up. What she was met with took her breath away. Alex was looking at her like no time had passed, like neither of them had broken parts of themselves in the past 6 months.  Like she was coming home. Still torn, and needing to keep up some resemblance of walls, despite knowing that a simple brush of Alex’s hand would send the walls crumbling down, she put her hands in her back pockets to keep them still.

Despite everything that Maggie had told herself about this meeting with Alex, it only took one second of eye contact for her foundations to begin to shake. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She had given herself a stern talking to on the way to the park. That she would stand her ground, and make Alex work for it.  She wouldn’t just roll over. That she would make Alex beg. But as she took in the woman before her, the sun glinting off her hair (that new haircut was.. Maggie’s fingers itched to scratch through the undercut), she knew that wasn’t going to happen.  Her and Alex were inevitable, and try as she might, she couldn’t stop what the universe had in store. Every decision she had made had led her here and she wasn’t going to doubt that this was meant to be. So she straightened herself, looked Alex in the eye and did what she did best.

‘Hey Danvers,’ she breathed.  She had meant for it to come out stronger than that, but it turned out Alex was always going to take her breath away.

_ Inevitable. _

As she spoke, she saw Alex stumble to a stop.  She smirked internally, it was good to see that she still had an impact too.

‘Maggie..’ It seemed that Alex too, was lost for words.  

Maggie froze at the greeting. She expected an informal ‘Sawyer,’ but Alex had gone straight back to the intimate.   _ Inevitable,  _ she thought to herself.  Time seemed to stand still and the air crackled around them as they drank each other in, like plants that hadn’t been watered in months.

Alex was the first to break.  She blinked a couple of times to pull herself out of her stupor.  She meekly held out one of the coffee cups in her hand.

‘Coffee? I got it from that place you like near the precinct.’ 

Maggie reached out her hand to take the coffee, brushing against Alex’s hand in the process.  They both pulled back in shock at the unexpected connection, the coffee almost going flying in the process. They both stopped and stared at each other, shocked that the chemistry was still there after all this time. Maggie regained her composure first.

‘You remembered,’ she said softly. 

‘Of course I did,’ Alex replied, keeping her head down, interested in a spot on the floor. ‘I remember everything.’

Maggie’s heart began to beat out of her chest.  She remembered. 

‘Should we?’ Alex gestured down the path and began walking. Maggie surprised herself with how easily she fell into step next to her, yet she still felt unsure of herself. They both spoke at once.

‘How are you doing?’

‘How have you been?’

They both laughed and then, just like that, the awkwardness disappeared.  They walked in comfortable silence for several minutes before Maggie spoke.

‘Do you remember the last time we were here? In this park?’ 

Alex looked at her out of the corner of her eye, almost afraid to make eye contact.

‘I do,’ she breathed.  ‘You said we deserved to be celebrated and then a week later I fucked it up.’

Maggie stopped in her tracks.  Well  _ that _ came up sooner than expected.

‘Alex I wasn’t trying to bring anything up I was just-’

‘No, Maggie’ she began to pace in front of her, twisting her free hand around nervously.

‘I regret that every day.  Every fucking day I wish I had handled things differently.  That I had stayed instead of ending it.’ She stopped to take a breath and Maggie saw an opportunity.  She took a step closer to Alex in order to calm her, let her know it was okay, but Alex was skittish and took a step back.

‘No, Maggie.  I need to’ she took a deep breath and stopped. ‘I need to get this out.’

Maggie stayed where she was and took in the woman in front of her.

‘What I’m trying to say is, I was wrong. I made a mistake.’ She stopped and looked Maggie straight in the eyes.

‘Remember that day I called you? The day you, well, you know..’

‘Snapped?’ Maggie offered with a smirk.

‘Yes. The day you snapped,’ Alex frowned.

‘I was calling because I wanted to see you, I wanted to talk to you, see if we could work this out.  But then you snapped and I thought my chance was over. I mean you said I only got one and I used that really early on and I figured you were done with me.’ Alex was rambling and suddenly found something really interesting to look at next to her left shoe.

Maggie took a deep breath.  She was so torn. Torn between taking Alex in her arms, telling her that she could never be done with her because they were  _ inevitable _ and also standing her ground, letting Alex know that she was still hurt and it was going to take a lot to get back to what they were. She settled for a middle ground.  Gesturing towards the bench they had been standing in front of, Maggie made a move to sit down, patting the bench next to her.

‘Danvers.’

Alex continued to stare at her shoe.

‘Alex, I know they’re not new shoes so you actually have no reason to be staring. Will you look at me please?’ Normally she would have cradled Alex’s chin in her hand and turned it gently to face her, but she wasn’t ready for contact.  Not yet.

Alex turned slowly to face her, tucking a leg up in front of her.  She could see that there were tears in her eyes but they weren’t quite falling.

‘Maggie I made a mistake. I was wrong.  I had everything and I let it go and I can never forgive myself for that.’ Maggie tried not to unravel.  Before she let herself go completely, she needed to know one thing.

‘Alex why did you come here today?’

‘Because you asked me to.’

‘Check your messages Alex, I never asked you to do anything.’

‘You did, sort of, you said-’

‘I sent you some memories Danvers, that’s it. There was no expectation.’ Maggie was starting to get warm from the sheer presence of the woman next to her, so she shrugged off her jacket. 

Alex stared at her.  Did she have something on her face?

‘What? Did I spill coffee?’ She looked down to see if there was coffee on her shirt and then- oh. She forgot that in her haste of texting Alex that morning, she had forgotten to change out of Alex's plaid shirt.

‘You’re wearing my shirt,’ Alex pointed out. Maggie was taken back to a morning, not so long ago, when she was asked the exact same question. She couldn’t resist replying in the same manner, just to see if Alex was remembering too.

‘Yeah, is that okay?’ Maggie asked shyly, dimples fully on display.

‘You kept it?’ Alex asked in amazement.

‘I couldn’t get rid of it Alex,’ Maggie replied softly.  ‘It reminds me too much of you.’

‘Maggie-’ Alex breathed. She reached into her jacket pocket to pull something out.  Maggie tensed, thinking (hoping?) it was their rings. What Alex produced was even more surprising.  It was her scarf.  Her scarf from that very first week.

'I think this belongs to you?' Alex gently wrapped it around Maggie's neck.

'You had this? The whole time?'

Taking Maggie's words and using them, Alex replied 'it reminds me too much of you.'

'Touché Danvers,' Maggie lifted the scarf from around her neck. 'However, I think this is yours now.  Besides, I can't wear clashing plaids, I have a fashion reputation to uphold you know.'

Alex chuckled, wrapping the scarf around her neck, trying not to inhale the scent of the woman sat in front of her.

What came out of Alex's mouth next, Maggie didn't expect.  But perhaps she should have.

_ Inevitable. _

‘Can we, can we try again, do you think?’

‘Alex, we have a lot to discuss, we can’t just pick up where we left off, there’s a reason why we went our separate ways and last time I checked, that reason was still there.’ Maggie brought her walls up.

‘I know that Maggie, but I just need to know, do you think there’s a chance we could make it work?’

‘Alex-’

‘Yes or no Maggie, do you see a future with me?’

‘I never stopped seeing a future with you.’ Maggie admitted. And there it was.  All her cards, on the table. Except for one.

Alex smiled.  The first real smile in months.

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, Danvers. But, here’s the thing.’  What she needed to say was going to break Alex in half, she knew it, but she needed to get it out there or it was going to fester and they had no chance of ever getting back to what they were. So, Maggie took a deep breath and put her heart on the line.

‘I’m terrified I can’t be what you need’

Alex stopped. 

‘Oh Mags,’ she breathed, visibly stopping herself from reaching out.

‘It’s no longer about what I need.  I don’t need anything. But what I want? All I want?’ she stopped to catch her breath.

‘All I want is you.’

Maggie was overwhelmed.  She felt like she couldn’t breathe.  Alex was looking at her like she had all those months ago and she wasn’t prepared for this intensity, this quickly. She needed space.

‘I- I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ Maggie shrugged her jacket, her armor, back on as she pushed past Alex and headed for the water’s edge. She hurried away, the tears coming thick and fast and began to chastise herself.  Why did she think this was a good idea? Alex had said all that before, and it hadn’t made a difference in the end, had it? She had still left, taking her heart with her. She reached the breakwater, stopping to wrap her arms around herself, hoping that it would prevent her from unravelling.

As she looked out onto the bay, she felt Alex’s footsteps come behind her. Unexpectedly, but not necessarily unwanted, Alex made the first move. Maggie could feel her tentatively snaking her arms around her waist.  Much to Maggie’s surprise, her muscle memory recognised Alex’s warmth behind her, betraying her as it instinctively melted into Alex’s embrace. Resting her head on Maggie’s shoulder, Alex turned her head so her lips were on Maggie’s ear. She shivered involuntarily at the unexpected intimacy.

‘You’re enough, Maggie,’ Alex whispered.

‘You’ve always been enough, and I will never forgive myself for making you think that you weren’t. I will tell you every day for the rest of my life.’

Maggie continue to bite back tears as she removed herself from Alex’s embrace, turning around and leaning back just enough to be able to look into Alex’s eyes.

‘We’ve been here Alex, you’ve said all this before and I still wasn’t enough for you!’ Maggie could feel the tears continuing to stream down her face. She pulled back to wipe her tears away angrily.

‘I couldn’t take losing you again, that would be it for me.  Alex, you’re  _ it _ for me.  I need to know that you feel the same before I let myself love you again.’

‘So marry me Maggie.  Marry me. We can go to the courthouse now.  What else do I need to do to prove to you that you’re all I’ll ever need?’

Maggie took a deep breath.  She was prepared for this. She was prepared for Alex to get carried away with emotion and not think straight.  For both their sakes, this needed to move slowly.

‘No, Alex. That’s not the solution.’ Maggie took herself out of Alex’s embrace, wiping her tears with her sleeve before tucking her hair nervously behind her ears.

'But I want you. You're everything.  Won't marrying you prove that? Make you feel secure?'

‘Danvers, every decision you have ever made when it comes to us has been out of fear. Fear is a trigger for you.’

‘Maggie, I-’ Alex interrupted.  Just like Maggie knew she would.

‘Shhh babe, let me speak,’ Maggie rested a finger gently on Alex’s lips before she could stop herself, surprising both of them. Adding to the surprise, Alex laid a gentle kiss on Maggie’s finger before nodding for her to continue.  A little shaken by the sudden intimacy, but determined to finish what she started, Maggie continued.

‘I’m not saying they were wrong decisions, but you didn’t think about them rationally. You broke up with me when you were scared that you had lost Kara and didn’t want to let me in.  You asked me to marry you because you were scared of losing me. You asked me to leave because you were afraid that you weren’t going to be enough for me, that you would end up hurting me, that we would end up hurting each other in the process of working everything out.’ 

She stopped to take a breath, looking over at Alex, who was looking everywhere except at her. 

‘Alex, look at me,’ Maggie gently cradled Alex’s face in her hands and turned it to face her, noticing the sadness and regret in the eyes that stared back at her. 

‘How do you do that?’ Alex murmured.

‘Do what?’

‘How do you know exactly what’s been going on in my head before I’ve even figured it out?’

‘I’m a detective Danvers, I-’

‘Detect,’ Alex sighed with a soft laugh, ‘some things never change.’

Maggie moved her hands gently down to Alex’s intertwining their fingers for the first time in six months.  It felt like coming home. 

‘Alex, I want to marry you eventually, nothing would make me happier.  I think you know that.’

_ Inevitable. _

Alex nodded, squeezing Maggie’s hands softly.

‘I’m saying no right now because when you ask me to marry you again,’  _ Inevitable,  _ Maggie thought, ‘I want it to be because you’ve thought about it and you know without a doubt of certainty that I’m the one for you, because honestly, losing you again would break me beyond repair.  Can you promise me that? That if you’re scared you will talk to me, not make rash decisions?’

Alex looked deeply into Maggie’s eyes.

‘I promise Mags, I would do anything for you.’

‘So let’s date.’

‘Date?’ Alex spluttered.  ‘Maggie we did that!’

‘Yes.  But we are different people now, we need to get to know each other again. You’ve changed, I’ve changed. We need to take things slow.’ Maggie knew she was being overly cautious, and all this resolve would disappear the minute she kissed Alex again, but for now she needs to keep up at least one brick of the wall she had built around her heart in Alex’s absence.

Alex paused, taking in what Maggie said.  

‘I can work with that, I’ll do whatever you need Maggie.  I’m so sorry. So unbelievably sorry, I know you said I only get one but I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you I-’ Alex was racing and Maggie needed her to slow down.

‘Alex?’ she tightened her grip on Alex’s hands and wrapped them around her waist, slinging her arms up and around her neck.

Alex looked down at her like she couldn’t quite believe what was happening.

‘Yeah, Mags?’

Maggie smiled up at her, hoping she could convey the happiness that she felt, being back in Alex’s arms.

‘Hi,’ she breathed, moving her arms to wrap around Alex’s waist as she rested her head on Alex’s chest.  There was that heartbeat she had missed, beginning to race at the closeness.

‘Hey you,’ Alex chuckled back, drawing Maggie impossibly further into her embrace. She placed a gentle kiss to the top of Maggie’s head, a gesture so familiar that it took her breath away.

‘Wanna place that kiss somewhere else, Danvers?’ Maggie murmured into Alex’s chest.

‘Yeah?’ Alex lifted Maggie’s head to look at her.

‘Yeah,’ Maggie breathed and tilted her chin, daring Alex to meet her halfway.

Alex moved in, and as their lips met,  just like that, Maggie remembered why they were inevitable, she remembered all too well.

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first fic, please be kind :)
> 
> Taylor Swift is Maggie Sawyer and that's the tea.
> 
> My twitter is @alwayssawyer , come say hey!


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